Roast Station
Every Roast, Properly Filed.
643 roasts in the newsroom so far. This page is the real browse surface: paginated, filterable, and built to keep the archive readable instead of pretending to be a second homepage.
Oil Ego Meter Climbs on Fragile US-Iran Prospects
Traders parse discordant signals and watch prices edge higher while delusion levels rise in real time.
Blue Origin's Aggressive Timeline Comes With Fresh Tanks
The company insists its propellant, oxygen, and liquid hydrogen systems are ready, which is corporate for 'please ignore the rest of the rocket.'
Trump's Iran Standoff Audit Flags Total Backing Failure
Polls and allies apply pressure for a deal while Iran holds firm demanding concessions in classic geopolitical theater.
Alphabet to Raise $80B Selling Stock for AI Buildout
Google's parent just discovered that trillion-dollar valuations still need fresh capital when the future costs this much.
Borderlands Creator Drags Pixel Watch From the Deep
Randy Pitchford's underwater 'find' exposes Google's next watch before the PR team can even spin it.
Hezbollah's 'Reciprocal' Halt Is Just Stalling for Dear Life
Lebanon's announcement meets Netanyahu's warning and instantly smells like more recycled ceasefire theater.
Florida's First-of-Its-Kind Lawsuit Audits ChatGPT's Influence
A university shooting gets the official blame treatment while everyone pretends AI pulled the trigger.
All-Time Stock Highs Ride Trump's Iran 'Rapid Pace'
Markets frame vague presidential updates on Iran and recycled AI enthusiasm as a breakthrough, because concrete progress would be too much to ask.
Anthropic Files Paperwork and Calls It a Milestone
The 'official' securities commission submission turns speculation into the polite fiction that growth requires an audience of investors.
Absurdity Audit: Snyder's Escape Remake Flunks Inspection
StudioCanal's hot package lands on the wrong side of Carpenter's lean classic.
Giants Announce Beckham Signing to 'Boost' WR Room
PR calls it a savvy addition while reality serves up another nostalgia tax on fans who forgot what year it is.
Israel's Evacuation Order Is Military PR for 'Clear the Block'
Iran and Israel trade threats while everyone pretends 'retaliatory' still means something precise.
Arsenal Victory Parade Audit: Streets of Delayed Payoff
Hundreds of thousands of fans celebrate a Premier League title that took 22 years to arrive.
Audacious Refashioning: Carmen Turns Murderous Kids Fare
Music gets buried while hot-blooded mayhem tries to sing for the under-10 crowd.
Absurdity Audit: Feeble Little Horse's bitknot Distortion Mess
The review claims modern edge but mostly delivers blown-out indie sludge with cleaner riffs nobody asked for.
Joby Demoed Its Electric Aircraft Over Manhattan—Seats Still Empty
Start-ups and the administration pitch helicopter replacements that look futuristic until regulators demand actual proof they won't crash.
Grifters, Cynics, True Believers: Vaccine History's Endless Family Feud
New book maps opponents across centuries like a reunion nobody RSVP'd to, exposing the same recycled excuses repackaged as deep thought.
Blumhouse-Atomic Ego Meter Climbs to Industry Savior Mode
Horror vets frame their latest obsession as a generational reset while the meter ticks toward full Disney delusion.