Roast Station
Every Roast, Properly Filed.
643 roasts in the newsroom so far. This page is the real browse surface: paginated, filterable, and built to keep the archive readable instead of pretending to be a second homepage.
Graham's Trump Glow-Up: Fiercest Critic to Carolina Lapdog
The senator's relationship with the president dramatically evolved from insults to loyalty just in time for the South Carolina primary.
Chipmaker Panic Exposes Markets' Thin-Skinned Escalation Fetish
Tech stocks fold like cheap suits while investors pretend 'jitters' are just a temporary speed bump.
Apple Swears Its AI Stays Private on Google's Servers
Running models elsewhere supposedly changes nothing about who can see what.
War With Iran 'Buoyed' Exports? Commerce Dept's April Math
Exports rose in April slightly outpacing imports while conflict magically lifted oil demand, because nothing says growth like geopolitical hellfire.
OpenAI IPOs While Altman's Eye-Scanning Verification Fails
The company reportedly can't generate revenue, so it's time to downsize the eyeball scanners.
OpenAI Swaps Its Talk Show Into Emmy Variety Last Minute
A tech company just discovered the nominations-round window opens in three days and decided variety sounded friendlier than whatever TBPN actually is.
Apple's watchOS 27: Siri AI Edition, Same Old Delays
Redesigned grids and fitness tweaks sell the dream while support for actual help stays on the autumn maybe-later list.
Google Hides Gemini 3.5 Upgrade Behind Enterprise Wall
NotebookLM gets antigravity and fresh Gemini flavor, but only if your company already pays the premium tax
Pentagon's China List: Released Then Ghosted
Administration flags Alibaba and others for military support before yanking the document with zero explaining.
Administration Eyes Denaturalize Button on 17 Immigrants
PR calls it 'setting sights on immigration' while quietly testing how to revoke citizenship already granted.
AI Weather Revolution Audit: Just Machine Learning’s Old Limits
Formal review finds the so-called climate science revolution is mostly recycled code dressed up as salvation.
Absurdity Audit: Banks Weaponize SpaceX Listing for Elite Clients
Findings show Wall Street's management hustle hitting new lows as the rich buy front-row seats to the IPO.
Iran and Israel's Missile Exchange Ends in Mutual Ego Wins
The ego meter ticks up with every claim that launching missiles and carrying out strikes somehow equals restraint
Bitcoin's $235B Crash Hides the Crypto Pivot No One Wants
The easiest way to understand the market just evaporated $235 billion, yet the spin insists a bigger shift across crypto is unfolding.
Markets Treat Good Jobs Data Like a Hostile Takeover
Tech-led selloff and missile headlines give equities the jitters while 'robust' growth revives interest-rate fears.
Ego Meter: Finch's Middleton College Tale Hits Peak Delusion
One almost-year fling gets exhumed at Phillips' wedding and suddenly it's royal intel.
Microsoft's See-Through Green Xbox Is Peak Nostalgia Tax
Absurdity audit confirms the 25th-anniversary console sells translucent plastic like it's revolutionary engineering.
OPEC's Oil Production Hike Gets Audited Into Oblivion
Symbolic output bump collides with Strait of Hormuz shutdown, leaving tankerloads stranded while ceasefire stays MIA