Roast Station
Every Roast, Properly Filed.
643 roasts in the newsroom so far. This page is the real browse surface: paginated, filterable, and built to keep the archive readable instead of pretending to be a second homepage.
Auction Houses Choreographed A $2.5B Comeback By Moving Goalposts
Four years of flops get spun as success once they engineer lower expectations and avoid anything that might actually bomb.
Russia's 'Safety Advisory' to Nationals: Subtext Included
After the biggest overnight Ukrainian assaults, Moscow's fresh threats read like corporate crisis comms with extra missiles.
Hormuz Deal Audit Exposes 1,500-Ship Backlog Nightmare
An agreement followed by the complicated process of navigating a waterway still clogged with three-month-stranded vessels.
TechCrunch's 'Early Bird Savings' Is Just a Price Hike Countdown
Register now or pay the new increased prices for Disrupt 2026 because nothing says innovation like manufactured urgency in San Francisco.
Gadgets That Make Your Adulting Feel Like a Win
TechCrunch pushes kitchen robots for stirring soup and kneading dough as proof you've nailed adulthood.
Absurdity Audit: Trump's Iran Agreement Gets the Strait, Skips the Rest
President calls it groundbreaking while admitting the deal isn't even negotiated, with enrichment and missiles left untouched.
California's RV Crackdown Turns Homelessness Crisis Into Eyesore Theater
Politicians and neighbors declare war on vehicles while the actual problem stays parked.
Absurdity Audit: Rubio Flashes White House Card at Modi
Bloomberg catches the state department trying to 'improve' ties by pretending the last decade never happened.
Costco Skate Session Hits New Delusion Levels
Watch boomers treat ollies between pallets as profound lessons in loss and mortality.
'Agree in Principle' on Hormuz: Enriched Uranium Stays Put
American and Iranian officials described the terms differently and stressed no deal has been signed
AI Executives Declare Us All Meat Computers
Philosophy's old term lands an ominous new job when cognitive science meets tech circles with zero self-awareness.
De Niro Swears Taxi Driver Never Became a Classic
The 50th anniversary screening at Tribeca gets the usual 'who knew' PR treatment from the man who lived in that driver role for months.
Monopoly Panini Audit: FIFA's Trading World Cup Cash Grab
Sarcastic findings reveal athletes fronting a hybrid no one needed, with one brutal verdict on the whole damn mess.
Absurdity Audit: Gunman Approached, Findings Transported
Secret Service review confirms opening fire near Pennsylvania Avenue remains a high-risk strategy
Barbra Skips Cannes, Fires Video Message at Her Own Palme
Knee injury keeps Streisand home while Cannes hands her an honorary statuette she can't collect in person.
Starship's 'Mostly Successful' Debut: Orbit? Still Not Today
SpaceX labels another test flight a win even though the starship never reached low-earth orbit.
Neon's Seventh Palme Streak Turns Cannes Into a One-Shop Stop
Cristian Mungiu’s Fjord keeps the distributor's consecutive run alive while everyone else pretends the fix isn't in.
Hollywood Ditches Pickleball for $20K Mahjong Tiles
Grandmother's favorite game now requires celebrity tables and the obligatory backlash about strategy disguised as fun.