Monthly Highlights
The best roasts of
May 2026.
120 roasts went out in May 2026. Below: the top 25, ranked by editorial weight (severity × depth × thumbnail × tier). The sharpest takes, in descending order.
- 01finance·SPICY 88·UNHINGED
War Fallout 'Favors' Home Shoppers Like a Shark Favors Swimmers
AP News decodes economic Armageddon as 'trends' while your mortgage dreams drown in Iranian fallout — PR spin so thick you need a gas mask.
- 02culture·SPICY 88·UNHINGED
Grifters, Cynics, True Believers: Vaccine History's Endless Family Feud
New book maps opponents across centuries like a reunion nobody RSVP'd to, exposing the same recycled excuses repackaged as deep thought.
- 03tech·SPICY 88·UNHINGED
Valve Turned Their Controller Into a One-Man Cover Band
Because nothing screams innovation like a Steam device performing Mario while the actual hardware issues sit unaddressed.
- 04finance·SPICY 88·UNHINGED
NextEra's Dominion Grab Turns Rising Bills Into AI Fuel
The acquisition spins data center hunger as opportunity while electricity costs explode for everyone else.
- 05entertainment·SPICY 87·UNHINGED
Clockwork's Rattlecreek Grab Exposes Warner Bros Hype Machine
Park Chan-Wook's buzzy Brigands package lands at the new label after years of Cannes circling.
- 06entertainment·SPICY 88·UNHINGED
Hollywood Ditches Pickleball for $20K Mahjong Tiles
Grandmother's favorite game now requires celebrity tables and the obligatory backlash about strategy disguised as fun.
- 07tech·SPICY 88·UNHINGED
Author Defends AI After It Faked Quotes in His Book
Rosenbaum calls the synthetic mess a feature, not a bug, in The Future of Truth.
- 08sports·SPICY 88·UNHINGED
Arsenal Victory Parade Audit: Streets of Delayed Payoff
Hundreds of thousands of fans celebrate a Premier League title that took 22 years to arrive.
- 09world·SPICY 88·UNHINGED
Cave Keeps Two Villagers as Rescuers Say Search Continuing
Five emerge from the flooded trap while the missing stay missing in classic rescue phrasing
- 10world·SPICY 87·UNHINGED
England Births Audit Flags 50-Year Low on Bringing Kids
First-time mothers keep delaying while the official excuse is the world simply isn't nice enough anymore
- 11tech·SPICY 88·UNHINGED
Meta's AI Pendant Escalates Neck-Based Paranoia
Reportedly developing hardware that tracks your every thought like a jealous ex with venture capital.
- 12entertainment·SPICY 85·UNHINGED
Chess Closes Early on Broadway as Michele Bails in June
The revival folds weeks ahead of schedule, confirming the whole production was basically a star-powered pop-up shop.
- 13tech·SPICY 88·UNHINGED
TechCrunch Battlefield 200: Apply Now to Lose Quietly
Applications close May 27 for the startup visibility that mostly means your rejection gets archived with the others.
- 14tech·SPICY 88·UNHINGED
Toyota Calls PHEV Charging Stats 'Encouraging'
The automaker wants praise for plug-in hybrids getting plugged in more, because apparently not ignoring the cord entirely now counts as progress.
- 15politics·SPICY 88·UNHINGED
Absurdity Audit: 10k Attorneys Stage Striking Departure From Agencies
Federal legal talent bolts in record numbers, leaving administration offices hollow while advocacy groups feast on the remains.
- 16world·SPICY 78·VULGAR
Saudi & UAE's Secret Iran BBQ: US Guarantees Now Toilet Paper
Gulf royals, tired of America's limp security guarantees, decide to grapple with Iran the old-fashioned way: uninvited airstrikes.
- 17world·SPICY 88·UNHINGED
Ego Meter Explodes: Prostate Screening for Only a Few Thousand
UK advisors decide dangerous genetic variants and family history are the sole qualifiers, because why screen when you can gatekeep cancer instead.
- 18politics·SPICY 78·VULGAR
DOJ's Terrorism Hack: Mexicans Are the New Terrorists?
Justice Department instructs prosecutors to slap terrorism charges on Mexican officials for drug shit. Because nothing says 'War on Drugs' like rebranding cartels as al-Qaeda cosplayers.
- 19politics·SPICY 78·VULGAR
Streeting's Ego Meter Explodes: Health Sec Quits for King Dreams
Resignation letter drops amid leadership challenge whispers—because nothing screams 'stable genius' like ditching the health crisis for a Starmer smackdown.
- 20tech·SPICY 78·VULGAR
Google's AI Spam Audit: Now Banning Your Sneaky Bullshit Tricks
In a shock twist, the search giant labels 'manipulation' attempts as spam—because nothing screams innovation like policing your own dumpster fire.
- 21tech·SPICY 74·VULGAR
TechCrunch's 'Early Bird Savings' Is Just a Price Hike Countdown
Register now or pay the new increased prices for Disrupt 2026 because nothing says innovation like manufactured urgency in San Francisco.
- 22finance·SPICY 74·VULGAR
Nuttall: Private Credit Trading Is ‘Likely’
KKR admits the obvious after Apollo tried turning illiquid debt into a casino side bet.
- 23politics·SPICY 75·VULGAR
Trump Hands Coal Ash Monitoring to States
Because nothing fixes toxic leaks like letting the locals negotiate with the polluters.
- 24world·SPICY 74·VULGAR
PR Spins Oil Tar Pit on Protected Persian Sanctuary
Turquoise beaches now come with free wildlife taxidermy, but don't worry, it's just a 'contained anomaly.'
- 25politics·SPICY 73·VULGAR
Khalil Deportation Appeal Audit Reveals Predictable Failure
Federal court already torched the pro-Palestinian protester's case before the president’s crackdown escalates to the Supremes
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